Socially Acceptable Excuses

Online dating is basically boring unless you happen to be in the middle of a fairly major city - like Auckland or Wellington. That said, you can still usually find a couple people out there who might be worth the effort. So every six months to a year I turn on the Plenty of Fatties profile, chuck in a couple of latest happenings, spruce it up with a couple fresh photos, and go looking for girls of interest.

If I'm lucky I'll find fifteen-twenty. (Strangely enough, blurb to the effect of "if you're fat, alcoholic, into drugs, going to a psychiatrist, or a drama-queen - I have no interest in getting to know the fabulous inner you" keeps the more overt weirdos away.)

In general I'll get three responses to my simple message.

Usually I'll get one date. It might progress to a fuck, a few weeks of fun, then she reveals herself to be batshit crazy -

- and it ends.

Now, while I'm basically on a hiatus regarding women, I decided that you might be amused by some of the shit that you can collect over the years.

Me: Let's go to X at 5pm on Y for a drink.

Her: Sounds good see you then.

...half an hour passes...

Her: Hi I can't make it because my daughter in Uni is sick and gonna be coming home for a bit and yadda yadda (aka I changed my mind and am too chickenshit to say so here's my pathetically-lame yet socially-acceptable excuse)

Me (hours later): No problem, hope your daughter gets well (aka I'm on to your bullshit and here's the socially-acceptable polite response now fuck off you dumb cunt)

And you just saved yourself twenty bucks and an hour's time by not showing up. This is assuming that she bothers to give you the heads-up at all - though quite a few are actually polite that way. I think it comes from preselecting certain types of girl.

There are plenty of others:

• Mixed-up messages, which you call out by saying "your message is incoherent - not very feminine" and all of a sudden she can write exceptionally fluently

• Messaging and she suddenly goes radio-silence on you

• Sometimes she comes back after a few weeks radio-silence with a message of "I had some personal issues which I didn't want to bother you with, they're sorted so let's meet" and you know the only issue she had was her fling/one-night-stand dumped her shitty ass

Always look at women's words through Crap-Colored Glasses™ to see the meaning in them. It's very enlightening and saves you tons of heartache and stupidity. It's also fucking amusing at times.