This particular one made me choke, I laughed that hard: 50 Things That Make A Man More Attractive (According to Women) (go ahead, it's on archive.is - no clicks from here for those fuckers).
Don't believe the rumors - women aren't just looking for abs, man buns, and impossibly white smiles (though they're all definitely very nice things). Most of the qualities ladies look for aren't even down to physical appearance, so don't stress if you haven't been hitting up the gym. Because there are just so many ways that men can be attractive, we've had to compile a mega list of 50 items. So, settle in and get ready to learn what women want. #41 is the most important according to women!Time to translate this dogshit propaganda-shaming-hit-piece to reality:
1/ A sense of purpose. Because that can be twisted to becoming something that matches her puposes.
2/ The ability to fix things. Enjoy your honey-do list - slave.
3/ Love for his family. This can be twisted to caring for her and her womb-turds - slave.
4/ Goals and dreams. They can be twisted for her purposes - especially, twisted towards making $$$ to sustain her in the manner to which she wishes to become accustomed.
5/ Possession of some old-school class. Ahhh, chivalry is so very dead...dead, dead, dead...feminism killed it with extreme prejudice...but don't worry, she will happily train him to be an attentive slave.
6/ Communication skills. So she can gather ammunition to fuck you over mentally and emotionally for the rest of your life.
7/ Attentive in the bedroom. Though a 7+ inch dick that's massive around helps good too.
8/ Has good manners. Because the words fuck off you crazy cunt hurts her feelz.
9/ Confidence without the attitude. Not that she knows the difference.
10/ The ability to make people laugh. She's very happy to laugh - so long as you're paying the bills and otherwise entertaining her.
11/ Admitting when he's wrong. And he's always wrong, even when he's not - it's ever so nice to aver and affirm to her that you're a pussy who is easily pushed around.
12/ Intelligence. Yeah, no...it only counts if he's easily manipulated despite his smarts, otherwise he might catch on to the bullshit.
13/ Not afraid of commitment. Not that she knows what that is. It's also really unfair when she drives him away with her bullshit - he's afraid to commit!
14/ Full of surprises. The nice ones which involve giving her expensive gifts and paying her attention, not the ones involving surprise buttsex.
15/ Cooking skills. Her having to do so much around the house - it's nice when it can be pawned off on her slave.
16/ Dad potential.
18/ Unafraid to grow. In the directions that will benefit her.
19/ Loveable nerdiness. Heheheheheheh! Yeah...
20/ Good cuddles. Because it's all about her.
21/ Willingness to help out. Take out the garbage. Slave.
22/ Ability to have fun. So long as she's having fun - entertain meeeeeee!
23/ Concern for the environment. Cheap shit from China is more important - there is no environment there. At least it's not in her back yard.
24/ Loves our flaws. Her most important flaw being the extreme number of cocks that she accidentally fell on.
25/ Strong moral fiber. Yeaaaah...it's always fun to break that down, she if she can get him to cheat with her...that cock in her mouth tastes very sweet, just like victory...
26/ Courageousness. She's not gonna fuck him, but she does appreciate him doing shit for her.
28/ A sense of protectiveness. Variation on another white-knight.
29/ Emotional stability. It's so much fun trying to break this with every load of random emotive bullshit that she can dream up.
30/ Financial maturity. Cha-ching! $$$$$$$$$
31/ Good grooming. As Popp once said: She marries the pretty-boy, and 10 years later finds out that he's gay.
32/ Patience. It's so much fun for her to jack him around. Great emotional payoff for her when he loses it, too.
33/ The ability to forgive and forget. Like those 32 cocks she accidentally fell on. Not that she will forgive and forget anything that he does.
34/ Responsiveness. He's paying attention to me! How cuuuuute! (But only if she wants to fuck him, otherwise it's creepy as fuck shit.)
35/ Curiosity (especially if it's about her and her life).
37/ An interest in the world. Because travel on his dime is sooo much fun. Hey, is that some new dick I can accidentally fall on?
38/ Health. Only if their health levels match, and once there's a ring on it she'll pull the pin on the fat-grenade.
39/ Not afraid of PDA. You
40/ Willingness to say I Love You. It better be in the form of an expensive fucking ring, honeymoon, wedding dress, and 1200ft McMansion. Slave.
41/ Appreciation. You will appreciate her. She gives not one shit for you - until the $$$ suddenly hit a bump or disappear. Then you'll know all about it.
42/ Physical desire. She can always find someone else. The sex dries up once the "I do" has been said. (As one poor bastard reader of mine found out within a year. Sheeit.)
43/ Leadership skills. At work only, because that translates to more $$$ for her to spend. Don't even think about pushing her around, you male chauvinist pig sonofabitch.
44/ Authenticity. It's okay for her to play you, it's not okay for you to play her. You male chauvinist pig sonofabitch.
45/ Decisiveness. So long as she doesn't have to think and it all goes smooth and sweet. Did I mention about pushing her around? You male chauvinist pig sonofabitch.
46/ Reliability. It's always nice to have Ole Reliable White Knight to pull her out of awful shituations (spelling deliberate) that she got herself into. It's also nice to cry on your shoulder about Jesse being a bastard - before she goes and fucks him again.
48/ Domestic ability. Slave.
49/ Generosity. Hand over those $$$ fucker.
50/ Self-respect. This is to be crushed. With extreme prejudice. Slave.
After all that sarcasm and hilarity - I leave you with a toast. I raise my Grand Marnier to you my Brothers. Always, go your own way.