Friday, 27 February 2015

Personal Time and Space is Golden for Men

On my last post commenter Mindstorm asks a question:
BPS, a somewhat personal question:
As a divorcee, how likely you regard this little story to be true?
And from The Rational Male, here's the comment that Mindstorm is referring to:
melmoth - February 18th, 2015 at 8:19 am
@SFC Ton,
Your bit about the soldiers regarding ‘high ops’ training as a relaxing break from marriage is pretty telling. (I’m understanding you right,yeah?) Anyway it reminded me of a buddy who was a golf pro at a course about two and a half hours from Seattle. I went out there once and he got me on. I noticed that everyone seemed to be from Seattle (you can just tell, plus I golfed with and talked to a few), meaning a 5 hour round trip just to golf. This includes ferry boats, long, narrow drives etc. Everyone knows it rains out there and those narrow, dark, tree-lined roads are stressful. Yet, he told me that most of their golfers came from Seattle on Saturdays. It was a nice course but didn’t outshine the Seattle courses or maybe a dozen or more courses in between by too much if at all. I asked him how they got all the Seattle golfers to come from so far away. I’ve never married and he was married at that time, miserably married of course. His answer was something I never forgot. He said that the Seattle guys came all that way on Saturdays to buy themselves five extra hours away from their wives. Not fun hours either. It’s not like they’re hiding off in a strip club or something. I mean just sitting on a ferry for an hour, driving down monotonous tree-lined roads–all better than their constant wars. He was dead to nuts serious too. He looked at me like “Dude, just wait.”
From my personal experience: 100% truth.

Here is the dirty secret that the unmarried guys almost never hear from the inside of married life: You have no personal time or space.

On the surface, that doesn't sound like much. A very minor thing (especially to a woman). Let's look deeper.

Just about everyone - the PUAs especially will know what I mean - has had that bloody annoying girl/girlfriend who is clingy as shit, constantly texts, constantly calls, won't leave you be. Until you dump the crazy cunt. Then she stalks you.

That is nothing to the hell invasion of privacy that you are voluntarily subjecting yourself to with marriage.

Sure, it's all roses the first couple years. You're in love love love (endocrine high) and then it slowly wilts. Eventually you start to need a break from the bullshit snipe-snipe-snipe and passive-aggressive whinging and manipulation and general discontent. Being subject to dribbling garbage in all your off-hours will wear down the hardest guy eventually.

Think about your typical week (168 hours):

* 40 hours (8 hours a day, 5 days a week) given to your work
* 10 hours (2 hours a day, 5 days a week) is lunch and driving to/from work
* 56 hours (8 hours a day, 7 days a week) is sleeping (if you're lucky)
* 62 hours (about 9 hours a day, 7 days a week) is spent in the company of someone who won't shut the fuck up

That can slip over into your sleeping-time too. Further, in that 62-odd hours you're supposed to do: household maintenance, hobbies, entertainment, socializing, learning, shopping, etc. Generally with her around - if not, then with constant interruptions. Having a holiday is not a fucking holiday for you, in that you don't get a break from the drivel by going to work.

Ever wondered why so many men in America work themselves to death with 60+ hour weeks? Ever wonder about the Japanese men working themselves to death and literally having a heart-attack at their desk?

Don't even think about trying to learn something unless you can absolutely enforce a time and space where she will not interrupt. Which from personal experience will be constantly violated regardless and your train of thought constantly broken every half-hour to an hour or so. You will actually start to think seriously of violence.

Given that general overview, let's dive further into the comment quoted. The general process of marriage is as follows:

It takes a couple years for her to properly get your balls into her purse. Your (independent/free) male friends have been surreptitiously removed, deemed unsuitable (because they might tell you to grow a pair). Her female friends (and their de-balled "partner's") are solidly in place as your "social circle".

From this point on if you do anything to upset her - earbashing from her plus anything between 2-8 female "friends" trying to shame you back into your place. Add your mother and her mother to the mix. That's near-impossible to deal with, especially if you've been worn down constantly for 5+ years. The earbashing will continue for weeks, perhaps months, and the incident that caused it will never be forgotten.

The soldiers regarding 'high ops' training as a relaxing break from marriage. Forced to be away from a whinging, whining, manipulative, bitchy person for days/weeks/months at a time? Absolutely no contact allowed with said person? Also the "social circle"? Hanging around guys that you've bonded strongly with? Having clear and unambiguous objectives? Feeling satisfied and happy at the end of every day? Heaven.

The golfers going 5+ hours to play a round of golf. Narrow roads, by the sound of it out in the boonies, probably no cellphone coverage, effectively absolute isolation from the bitch? Heaven. Where the commenter states: "Not fun hours either. It’s not like they’re hiding off in a strip club or something. I mean just sitting on a ferry for an hour, driving down monotonous tree-lined roads - all better than their constant wars."

The bold bit is the pure golden takeaway in this snippet. Those guys are having fun - peace and quiet by themselves. The best part (for them) is that they're not at some strip-club or the like which wifey can find out about and give him a shit-ton of grief over later (for months or years to come). No ammunition for her to use. He (the commenter) doesn't know how purely joyful this is, marred only by the thought of having to go back.

I understand that the training and practice for golf is constant and ongoing. Given that, do you have to wonder why golf is so popular? Similarly, men going fishing out on a boat for hours - why do you think it's so popular? Camping? Hiking? Mountain climbing? Marathon running? Iron Man competitions? Extreme sports?

Which makes me think about women's dating profiles. "I love to go fishing, camping, hiking, etc" - invading a man's private space under the guise of "see I love doing what you do". I'll bet that only the very naive men would ever get involved with those women, even for a fuck'n'chuck.

From personal history: I used to love walking a lot. I mean for hours at a time. Down the beach. Along trails. When I had girlfriends they would walk and swim with me. Same for my wife-to-be. Until, strangely, the marital knot was tied - around my neck, in retrospect.

All of a sudden the refrain became: "I don't feel like it", "the weather's kinda iffy", "I'm not up to it right now", "I'm on my period", "I've just had a bad day and need to relax", etc (sounds just like the excuses for not wanting to have sex - though I can kinda understand periods). You are told that it's okay for you to go out and do it by yourself, yet you get made to feel like a bad person if you actually do that, or maybe she can be persuaded very reluctantly to join you (passive-aggressive much).

Eventually I stopped doing it and my mental and physical health and fitness declined. Which is when the passive-aggressive and whinging and whining got worse and worse. Mental disconnect on her part, she could not see that my decline was a direct response to following her (plausibly-deniably-stated) desires. Bad and too much food, lack of exercise, lack of fresh air, lack of mental space to think, all these were linked right back to her desires.

Frivorce. "He's changed. He's not the man I married. I've fallen out of love with him." The moronic refrain of every stupid cunt out there. No fucking duh. (Marrying a BPD/NPD nutjob was also a bad move on my part, didn't help any.)

I've occasionally mentioned on here of dealing with Oracle databases and various servers and networking issues in my work. After about 5 years of marriage: if there was a problem on the weekend (or an evening, middle of the night, early morning, whatever) I'd sit at work for another hour after it was resolved. A single problem, millions of dollars at stake, resolved, relaxing by myself for a while. Heaven - until I had to head back to her.

I think that I wrote a post a while back about how we men do not get time to ourselves, and said in another that much of men's mental issues would be resolved by taking a week entirely alone (that was in the post on therapy being for women). It's been widely written about across the Manosphere, how men need alone-time and man-only spaces. Women have it, men do not.

Women-only gyms. Women-only restaurants. Women-spaces for the girls to get together and chatter without dem eevil menz around, filthy creatures that they are. These are 100% socially supported as a matter of course. Can't have guys perving on girls working out. Can't have males bothering the female patrons.

Suggest a man-only gym, bar, or club? They freak out. Misogynist! How dare you! (I thought about that once: a place lined with a faraday cage to block all cellphone signals and rooms where men could idly relax and do what they wanted in peace. Then I realized that I valued my sanity and privacy from bullshit media and legal process crap more.)

Man-caves? Be fucking honest guys, it's not a sanctuary at all. She checks on you every half-hour to an hour "just to see that you're doing okay". That's assuming that she's still in the love-phase - if she's mentally checked out of the marriage then you actually are left alone and it's something else to snipe-snipe-snipe about. Enjoy relaxing in your man-cave then - it'll become another bone of contention.

Is there any real wonder when someone finally snaps and smacks the bitch around a bit to shut her up?

Let us cast a cynical eye upon the subject of domestic abuse. Let us flip the script and imagine that you are stuck around a man for 62+ hours a week (9+ hours a day) who will not shut up, who won't leave you physically alone for a second if he can help it, and who constantly bothers you. All the time it's inane drivel, complaining, whining, whinging, bitching, nagging, et fucking cetera - an unending background drone of despair and hopelessness.

How long do you think it would be before you made a fist, looked at him, and said something along the lines of: "Shut your fucking mouth. Open it again and I'll break your jaw."

Or simply clocked him with a handy chunk of steel.

How many decades would you last? Years? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours or minutes?

This is where Rich Zubaty makes a helluva lot of sense when he equates women's constant talking to mental abuse of men.

This is why I stated that therapy is for women.

And this is why I would have a helluva lot of sympathy and understanding for any man who finally snapped and beat the shit out of his woman. I know from experience what it is like and what it can do to you.

Constant talk, talk, talk - constant invasion of private space - can only be tolerated by those who have been brought up in an environment like that. Women. Mangina's. Married men who mentally check out, switch off their ears, and completely ignore a nagging bitch who won't let them alone.

In some cases I suspect that the frivorce is a secret relief. In retrospect, from 4-5 years of perspective, it certainly was in my case.

It's after 5am. I think that it's time for breakfast, then a nice early-morning walk. My personal time and space, without having to think of some bitch bothering me once I'm done.

Take and enjoy your slice of heaven when and where you can find it. I am.


  1. This should come with a trigger warning.

    I just had a flash back to my 16 years of marriage.

    Great post and so true.

    Don't forget, that once you've added in a couple of kids, all your time is gone. I had no spare time, because they use the bad father guilt trip on you if you don't spend all your time on them.

    When I got divorced, I did go to a counselor, a very wise guy, and the first thing he asked me was "what do you like to do"?. I had no answer. He spent the next couple of months talking about what I'd like to do. I felt like one of those escaped animals that was totally bewildered.

    Great post, you nailed it.

    God, I even remember meditating, and she would deliberately come in just to talk.

    You've given me Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

    1. I can only imagine kids added to the mix - not something that happened to me. Thank you for that insight.

      Meditating. I used to be able to do that. No longer.

      You show one good reason for a man to go to a wise counselor: to help you figure out what you want to do in life. Thanks, I'll go add that to the old therapy post.

    2. No idea counsellors like that even exist ...

      Do they have a special name or something ...

    3. They're called Unicorns

  2. Thanks. It's good to know what I'm 'missing out'. :)

    1. Imagine responding to a chattering wife wanting an audience: "Not today, dear. I'm not in the mood." like she does when declining 'sexy time'. What happens? :)

  3. This reminds be of a great line from the comedienne Elaine Boosler from a looonnngggg time ago: "I think I finally figured out what guys want. They want to get really, really close to a woman who will just leave them the fuck alone."

    Pure wisdom.

  4. It isnt about time to yourself, its all about isolating you, making it easier for her to leech & parasite off you

    Also they take over the entire house, the home YOU paid for gets taken over by her, this is to ensure you have no space of your own

    Its all designed to isolate you, so you have no social circles of support or friends to call for help

    Its all about isolating you & making you as vulnerable as possible cutting you off from reality, while brainwashing & scamming you into thinking you're raising a family, this is essentially how women have preyed on men for centuries

    1. All truth. You've just described other parts of the MO of modern women (especially BPD/NPD types).

      I didn't put it in because (I think) that I've already done a post somewhere on that, and dislike repeating myself too much. Plus the post was getting hella long anyway.

  5. @BPS

    Theres no way to track comments on your blog, which is why I haven't had a chance to reply to any of your comments ...

    The age of consent laws were raised from 7 to 16 mainly because women were beginning to own land due to industrialisation & the puritan catholic chur h trying to increase their power, by grovelling to women & demonising men

    Because of industrialisation women began to declare it inhumane for women to work in coal mines & construction sites

    This is where the concept of stayathome women really began, rich white women as soon as women came into power, they began to declare it was inhumane for women to work

    Once women were banned from working in coal mines & men forced to pay for women doing nothing at home

    They started raising the age of consent from 7 to 16, to ensure women got direct access to the mans wealth at an age she can manipulate & use him like a walking wallet

    This is essentially why they raised the age of consent

    Instead of girls fit to give him children, he got unfit 16 yr olds trained by their mothers to screw over the guy

    Age of consent laws were a power grab by white women rich from industrialisation & the puritan male hating catholic church

    1. Strange, you should have a "notify me" checkbox on comments that you make. Maybe that's broken, thanks to google.

      I think that you will also find that some of the women did it "for the children" as well - ostensibly to stop child labor laws, and of course they then had to go back to the home to look after said children. Let's be fair, they were tending to work 14-16 hour days in factories as well. The owners wanted every speck of production they could get from their slave/workers. Men, well, nobody gave a shit about men.

      In 1842 the laws were passed in England to stop women and children under 10 years of age from working underground in mines. Even so, there are still children miners out there nowadays: Africa, Asia, South America. Gold, salt, even simple stone quarrying. All very hazardous. The ILO reckons that there's about 1 million children (of both sexes) being trafficked (2005).

  6. He was a Jungian counsellor. He was good because Freud was a bit weird for me, but Jung was about getting in touch with the authentic you.

    I think it's important, as you can get very isolated during a divorce.

    If you ever go to see one, my criteria was:

    - no women, as they always take the sisterhoods point of view
    - be a Jungian
    -not be a psychologist, they seem to just want to drug you out.

    My guy said "you're not crazy, because you're here. You've been trained your whole life, to serve others. First your mother then your wife. You've been treated as a ATM machine. You have been trained to take and accept abuse. Your needs have been put last. Your feelings have been ignored, so welcome....."

    That did it for me. Like Black Poison Soul, I don't like waffle and blame, and he gave me real strategies.

    If he sounds like this blog, you've got the right one.

  7. .....and I was in poverty, and he only charged me a quarter of the price so I could go....

  8. Very pithy article. After being married for over twenty years, I can agree with your assessments. Now I have a wife and a mistress. I know the mistress will definitely want to get married after the wife and I split. But t'aint gonna happen. She (the mistress) is as sweet and giving as they come, but the best of them are royal PITAs once they know they "own" you. The happiest married guy I know: he and his wife live in separate houses