Wednesday, 3 June 2015

She's Changed, She's Not The Slut I Married

Every now and then it's funny as fuck to flip the script on some of the common things in life. This one is the "he's changed, he's not the man I married" excuse that goes around for a frivorce. I'm also adding to this the common trope of men getting less sex once married.

Man (seeking divorce): Your honor, she's changed. She's not the slut I married.

Judge: Please explain for the Court and Jury.

Man: Well, your honor. In the beginning she was all over me. Couldn't keep her hands off me. It was sex - sex, sex, sex. Sometimes five times a day! Blow jobs, fucking like rabbits, wild-monkey-sex, anal, the works. She swallowed like a greedy nymphomaniac. Sex was almost exhausting on my part, yet she craved it incessantly. Forced it, even.

Judge: You are advised to restrain your language. Though the illustration is clear. In what way has she changed?

Man: Apologies, your honor. Well. Marriage - which was very expensive, because I thought that she was worth it - then suddenly things went downhill. Certainly our marriage night was good, definitely up to par. Yet, within a year, she was looking very pudgy. She added 10 kilos.

Judge: She added 10 kilograms of weight in a year?

Man: Yes your honor. You can see the photo's as evidence, pre-wedding down the beach and wedding. Very slim and athletic as you can see. Within a year she'd added 10 kilos. Over the three years of our marriage, she has added 50 kilos - as you can see, your honor.

Judge: Yes, the Court can see the differences. Continue.

Man: Thank you, your honor. Well. Not only did she put on weight - sex dropped off.

Judge: Dropped off? Expand on that.

Man: It was strange. Originally the sex continued much as it had...then it slowly tapered off. Three times a day...two times a day...once a day. Then once every couple of days. Only on weekends. Until now, three years later, when it's once - perhaps twice - in a month.

Judge: I understand. A marked change in behavior. Was there any reason for this change? Medical, physical, or the like?

Man: I can give various examples, your honor. Will that suffice?

Judge: Indeed.

Man: All sorts of reasons - none overtly medical or physical. Things like: I'm on my period - which I could understand, though that doesn't mean that other ahem sexual acts cannot be performed. They used to be, on a regular and daily basis.

Judge: That will be taken under advisement. Continue.

Man: Other things. I don't feel like it. I have a headache. I'm in one of those moods. It's been a hard day. I just want to be cuddled. Things like that.

Judge: So nothing actually medical?

Man: No, your honor. We did seek medical and psychiatric help. Medically there was nothing wrong with her, as per the doctor's report. Psychiatrically, she refused to go to the Psychiatrist. Said it was demeaning and degrading.

Judge: Interesting. So you were the concerned for her health - physical, mental, and emotional - and attempted to help her.

Man: Yes, your honor. It was such a marked change in behavior, I had to do all that I could to have her regain her health and well-being.

Judge: Is there anything further that you wish to add?

Man: Yes, your honor. Neglect.

Judge: Neglect?

Man: Yes, your honor. Neglect. Coming home from a hard night's work - no meals prepared. I had to prepare my own. In many cases, our child was hungry also. She had not been fed lunch or dinner. Once or twice, she had not had her nappies changed - I had to do that as well.

Judge: Upon returning from work. What had your Wife been doing?

Man: Apparantly laying on the couch and watching television all day, your honor.

Judge: It would appear that your Woman has failed in her Wifely duties, being neglectful and causing hardship to both you and your child. The Jury will now retire to consider the merits of the case.

Jury (returning from recess and giving judgement): Your honor, we find in the Man's favor.

Judge: As expected - an almost open-and-shut case of female deception and Wifely neglect. As is I must grant this divorce, you are no longer Man and Wife. As recompense for this Wifely neglect I find that all assets will revert to your name. Your child will remain in your care. The State will grant assistance in the form of a nanny, since you must work to continue paying your mortgage.

Judge: As regards the Woman - she is passed over to the care of a Psychological Institute for a period of not less than two years and not more than five years. It is hoped that within that institution she will become a functioning and useful member of society. Though it is my personal opinion that she will never be suitable as a Wife, nor for duties in the field of Mothering and dealing with Children. That will be entered in her record.

This is what equality would look like - though don't expect to see it in a courtroom near you!

12 comments:

  1. "The Jury will now retire to consider the merits of the case." - There is no jury for a civil suit.
    "10 kilograms of weight" - Kilograms are a unit of mass, not weight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "In the original version of the metric system the base units could be derived from a specified length (the metre) and the weight [mass] of a specified volume (1⁄1000 of a cubic metre) of pure water."

      Feel free to correct this Wikipedia entry, then.

      Delete
  2. "In the original version of the metric system" - The metric system has changed since the original version.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is strict correlation between weight and mass, as long as the value of g stays constant:
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravity_of_Earth

      Delete
  3. Yes. Fact. Agree. Still wrong. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes. Fact. Agree. Still wrong. lol.


    i suggest using your defense the next time a DOT officer pulls over a commercial truck in Canada. that should go just fucking brilliantly.

    and, since the avoirdupois pound is defined as 0.45359237 *KILOGRAMS*, the same defense could also be made in the US ... but i doubt the DOT officer could be arsed to even bother following your logic. he'd probably just lock you up for being a dipshit toolburger.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kilogram

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_versus_weight

      This article is more appropriate.

      Delete
  5. Cops don't understand basic physics. They're really dumb. There is a unit called kilogram force that you guys are thinking of. It is completely different from mass. Weight is a measure of force, mass is a measure of inertia that has bearing on force in a field gravitational field. If you guys lived in space you would have died by now, trying to equate the two concepts because of your scientific illiteracy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A proportional relationship is not necessarily equivalence.

      Delete
    2. As a mental shortcut, treating those terms as interchangeable is not a terrible error, but rather a matter of convenience.

      Delete
    3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Specific_gravity - you might also sperg out about this expression. Clearly a wrong use of the word 'gravity', eh? Gravity is not a dimensionless value, right? :)

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete